Snail Dialling
by depayser
Summary: A snail phone has a back-breaking job. It's ringing and ringing, but the person on the other end is never the one people wanted to call in the first place. And this time Trafalgar Law only meant well. Seriously. One-shot.


**Protagonist:** The Snail Phone. It's running hot and hotter and that's technically not even it's own fault. Nonetheless it has to tell quite a number of people bloodcurdling nonsense.

 **Summary:** A snail phone with a back-breaking job: It's ringing and ringing, but the person on the other end is never the one people wanted to call in the first place. And this time Trafalgar Law only meant well. Seriously.

 **Genre:** Humour / Friendship

 **Warning:** Nothing serious. An attempt at humour, a bit of swearing. And antics, lots of antics.

 **Disclaimer:** Well, duh!

* * *

… **Snail Dialling …**

* * *

Trafalgar D. Water Law, the Surgeon of Death, captain of the infamous Heart Pirates, ex-warlord and inherent member of the Worst Generation, was having a fight. That, per se, was nothing unusual. He was a pirate after all. It happened from time to time.

This fight however was remarkable. Not in the way fights with a devil fruit user were remarkable – and his devil fruit was remarkable in itself. Not in the way some of his fights using his wits and intelligence had been remarkable. Not even in the way some of his verbal duels had been remarkable.

The remarkable thing about this fight was that, not only was it carried out in his own captain's quarters, but also in total silence. Without moving a muscle.

Law stared with burning eyes at his opponent. The snail phone stared back.

Had a member of his crew stuck their head in the door at this moment, they would probably have noticed that he had been sitting here for over an hour. Stock-still, staring at the snail phone.

It wasn't that he didn't have the guts. A coward, please, not him.

It's just that it was … a delicate matter. Better to take it one step at the time. The phone was already there, that was step two. Step one had been to finally admit to himself that he had to do this, once and for all, damn it all to hell. Or else it might prey on his conscious forever.

So on to step three. Picking up the phone.

Screw it. He had never given up in the face of a challenge and, by god, he would not start today.

* * *

 _Bulu-Bulu-Bulu-Bulu-Bulu … Bulu-Bulu-Bulu-Bulu-Bulu … Bulu-Bulu-Bulu-Bulu-Bulu – Gatcha._

"Who the hell is bothering me now?!"

" … Hello Nami-ya."

" – _I swear to you, stop it or I'll tie you to the mast!_ – I'm sorry. Who did you say you were?"

"I didn't."

"Then why the hell do you have this number?"

"You gave it to me."

"That was clearly a mistake."

"You are also in the phone book. Pretty careless, if you ask me."

"But I didn't ask you, did I?! _– It's dangerous! Leave. It. Alone. –_ "

"Nami-ya, I really don't feel like one of your silly games, even if it's daily fare for you guys, and what's with all that background noise?"

"None of your business!"

"Well, actually – "

"Stay home! It's not worth it! This place is crazy!"

" … I am. Home, that is."

" – _Just wait until I get my hands on you and_ – "

"Why would I come over to your ship, Nami-ya? That's why I'm calling."

"Who the fuck are you?!"

"Trafalgar Law. Now, if you'd be so kind – "

"I don't know what you want buddy, but if you are looking for help than you have clearly dialled the wrong number. I'm way too busy right now, we don't want any more trouble and – _If You do that again I'll lock you into the fishtank! I'm not joking!_ – Who did you say you were?"

"Terror of the sea. Trafalgar Law. Infamous for his cruelty. Does that ring a bell?"

"If you want to threaten us, you should take this to the captain."

"I'm trying to."

" – _Not the anchor! What did you do that for?_ – Who is this again?"

"I told you often enough – "

"I should warn you! The crew is in top shape today and who are – ?"

"Trafalgar. The man with nerves of steel."

"Ah! Torao! What a surprise. To what – _Put that back this instant or else!_ – Err, to what do I owe the honour of this call?"

"Sorry if this is a bad time but I – "

"Oh no, not at all – _Get your filthy hands of that, you moron!_ – Just the crew. The usual – "

"But could I talk to Strawhat-ya for a moment?"

"Sure, I – _One last time, stay out of the kitchen!_ – Sorry, I was disturbed just now, who do you want to talk to?"

"Strawhat-ya."

"I'm sorry for all that but these guys, they're just driving me around the bent."

"I know how you feel."

"A ship is made of wood! Flammable, for god's sake!"

"I'm sorry to hear that. Now, if I could just talk to – "

"And the sails! I told them again and again to leave the sails alone. We live on a ship! Without sails we won't be going anywhere! But no! Of course nobody listens to me! I save their lives, over and over, every single bloody day and how do they repay me? By playing lead-pouring with the anchor! A ship without an anchor, how is that going to look – !"

"Strawhat-ya. On the phone. Now."

"Right, sorry. I see what I can do – _Oh god, Chopper! Zoro, where are you?!_ – "

"Hopefully dying in a corner somewhere. Painfully."

"I'm sorry Torao, but this just isn't ..."

"Never mind. I'll call back later."

"Thank you – _Don't you dare touch that_ – "

 _Click._

Shachi, who stood next to the snail phone, perked his brows up and sounded almost sympathetic. "That didn't go so well, did it?"  
"It's fine, Shachi", Law said and patted him on the shoulder. "Now go put an apple into each ear."  
"Sorry captain."

* * *

 _Bulu-Bulu-Bulu-Bulu-Bulu … Bulu-Bulu-Bulu-Bulu-Bulu – Gatcha._

"Yeah?"

"Black-leg-ya? This is Trafalgar Law. I'd like to speak to your captain."

"Luffy? He's outside by the swing somewhere."

"Could you please get him for me?"

"Sorry, but I can't leave the stove right now. Wait a minute – _Oy! Mosshead! Go look for Luffy will you, he is wanted!_ – "

" _Who do you think you are ordering me around! Get back to washing your dishes!"_

" _Why don't you make yourself useful for once?! Naptime's over!"_

" _You can't make me do anything, curly brow!"_

" _Shitty swordsman!"_

" _Spoonbender!"_

" _Cabbage head!"_

" – _Crash – Crunch – Shhhrrrr_ –"

"Black-Leg-ya? Hello? Are you still there? … Why do I even bother."

 _Click._

* * *

 _Bulu-Bulu-Bulu-Bulu-Bulu … Bulu-Bulu-Bulu-Bulu-Bulu … Bulu-Bulu-Bulu-Bulu-Bulu – Gatcha._

"Hello? My name is Monkey D. Luffy! I'm gonna be king of the pirates! If you hear this, I'm on an adventure and got no time talking to you! But if you still got something to say, say it now!"

 _Peeeeep._

" … "

 _Click._

* * *

 _Bulu-Bulu-Bulu-Bulu-Bulu … Bulu-Bulu-Bulu-Bulu-Bulu … Bulu-Bulu-Bulu-Bulu-Bulu – Gatcha._

" … Hel – Hello?"

"Tony-ya?"

"Torao! It's you. Do you … eh, do you want to speak to Luffy?"

"Yes … Please."

"Just give me a moment to put my new medicine away, then I'll go look for him."

"You've been working on something? Next time we meet we'll have to talk more about it."

" … "

"Tony-ya?"

" ~ Bastard! Stop joking around! You appreciating my work doesn't make me the least bit happy! Why would that make me happy, you bastard! ~ Hahahaha – "

 _Click._

* * *

 _Bulu-Bulu-Bulu-Bulu-Bulu … Bulu-Bulu-Bulu-Bulu-Bulu – Gatcha._

"Straw Hat Pirates, Captain Usopp speaking."

" … "

"Is somebody there?"

" … "

"Torao, is that you?"

"What gave me away?"

"I've expecting you to call. Besides, snail phones have glared at me before, but never quite in that fashion. So um … how nice to hear from you."

"For you, maybe."

"Okay. Suit yourself. Captured any ships lately?"

"Loads."

"Err … "

"Skip the small talk."

"Fine. What can I do for you?"

"I want to talk to Strawhat-ya."

"You mean Luffy?"

"Yes. A less accurate name, but yes. Monkey D. Luffy. Captain of your many-coloured hooker. Did I stutter?"

"I … "

"Is he there?"

" … "

"Did he rip out your tongue?"

"Look, I don't know what he has done to you, but since you are the mature one in this … dare I call it relationship, I think you should be more considerate."

"I don't – "

"This whole alliance thing is just so new to Luffy, if you know what I mean. You can't expect him to get everything right on the first try. Luffy has a different way of dealing with things and even if he offended you, there is no use lecturing him. He won't listen anyway. You two are supposed to be enemies. I mean, that buddy system must be hard to get used to even for you. So perhaps in this case you just have to turn a blind eye to whatever he has done to you. Maybe two blind eyes. The sooner you accept it, the better."

"Nice speech. Very good. Did it take long to write it?"

"Yeah. By the time you called I actually wanted to know it by heart."

"Touching really. Now would you get him on the phone?"

"No."

"No?"

"You guys are getting into too much trouble together and –"

"He doesn't need my help for that."

" – I think it would be best for my – our, I mean our – safety if you two never meet again. That's why I can't let him talk to you."

"You just don't know where he is, do you?"

"Well, that would be one way to put it."

"That's pathetic."

"He's just not that easy to keep track of, I'm sure you'd agree. And once he started with something he – "

"Alright, I get it."

"So, you see, I can't help you."

"You can. Pass on a message from me."

"I … sure."

"Tell him that he can bite me!"

 _Click._

* * *

 _Bulu-Bulu-Bulu-Bulu-Bulu … Bulu-Bulu-Bulu-Bulu-Bulu – Gatcha._

"Hello? You are connected to the Thousand Sunny. This is Brook speaking, even though I don't have a tongue to speak with, yohohohoho!"

"Trafalgar Law."

"Oh, Trafalgar-san, how nice of you to – "

"Shut up and listen. I'm not interested in you, I don't care what is going on on your side of the snail and I don't give a fuck about your opinion. The only thing I want is to speak with Strawhat-ya. Now."

"Oh. Sorry, I can't help you."

" … "

"I saw the captain leave for shore two hours ago. Even though I don't have any eyes, yohohohoho!"

" … "

"He should be back soon."

" … "

"While we wait, I could play one of my new compositions for you – ... – Trafalgar-san, are you still there?"

" … "

* * *

 _Bulu-Bulu-Bulu-Bulu-Bulu … Bulu-Bulu-Bulu-Bulu-Bulu … Bulu-Bulu-Bulu-Bulu-Bulu – Gatcha._

"Hello? My name is Monkey D. Luffy! I'm gonna be king of the pirates! If you hear this, I'm on an adventure and got no time talking to you! But if you still got something to say, say it now!"

 _Peeeeep._

"Ehmm … This is Trafalgar Law … I'll just call again later?"

 _Click._

* * *

 _Bulu-Bulu-Bulu-Bulu-Bulu … Bulu-Bulu-Bulu-Bulu-Bulu … Bulu-Bulu-Bulu-Bulu-Bulu – Gatcha._

"Hello? My name is Monkey D. Luffy! I'm gonna be king of the pirates! If you hear this, I'm on an adventure and got no time talking to you! But if you still got something to say, say it now!"

 _Peeeeep._

"Trafalgar here. Do you ever pick up this snail?"

 _Click._

* * *

 _Bulu-Bulu-Bulu-Bulu-Bulu … Bulu-Bulu-Bulu-Bulu-Bulu … Bulu-Bulu-Bulu-Bulu-Bulu – Gatcha._

"Hello? My name is Monkey D. Luffy! I'm gonna be king of the pirates! If you hear this, I'm on an adventure and got no time talking to you! But if you still got something to say, say it now!"

 _Peeeeep._

"Look, just call me back, alright?"

 _Click._

* * *

 _Bulu-Bulu-Bulu-Bulu-Bulu … Bulu-Bulu-Bulu-Bulu-Bulu … Bulu-Bulu-Bulu-Bulu-Bulu – Gatcha._

"Hello? My name is Monkey D. Luffy! I'm gonna be king of the pirates! If you hear this, I'm on an adventure and got no time talking to you! But if you still got something to say, say it now!"

 _Peeeeep._

"Why do you have a voice mail if you never listen to it?!"

 _Click._

* * *

 _Bulu-Bulu-Bulu-Bulu-Bulu … Bulu-Bulu-Bulu-Bulu-Bulu … Bulu-Bulu-Bulu-Bulu-Bulu – Gatcha._

"Suuuuper – "

"Trafalgar, here. Give me your captain. Now."

"Oy, oy, what's the rush, bro? I just – "

"I don't care what you wanted to say. I have no time for you."

"You ain't got time for a friend?"

"You're not my friend."

"That hurts, bro, that hurts! Waaaaah! That is so not super! Now I can't even stop crying!"

"I just don't believe it."

"Waaaahaaaa!"

"Alright! Stop it! You're a grown man, pull yourself together!"

" – _Sniff_ – "

"Oh, for God's sake!"

 _Click._

* * *

 _Bulu-Bulu-Bulu-Bulu-Bulu … Bulu-Bulu-Bulu-Bulu-Bulu – Gatcha._

"Namely?"

"Zoro-ya?"

"Yeah."

"Is your stupid excuse of a captain around?"

" … He's not here."

"Somehow I didn't expect him to be."

"Then why are you calling?"

"Where is he?"

"How should I know?"

"If there is someone on this forsaken planet who has even the faintest idea of where he is hiding, then it's you."

"I – wait a moment … _Where have you gone to then, Luffy?_ "

"Just a minute! Is he perhaps standing right next to the phone?"

"I … errr … he said he was busy."

"I swear if you don't get him on the phone right now – "

" _What? What did he say, Zoro?"_

"Get him on the phone, Zoro-ya."

"I don't think that's a good idea."

"I don't care what you think! If he doesn't pick up the receiver right now, I swear I'll burn his stupid hat!"

" _What did that bastard just say?!"_

"Hang on, Torao – _He didn't say anything, Luffy_ – "

" _I heard what he said! If he touches my hat, I'll kill him!"_

"He says that if you do something to his hat, he'll kill you."

"I can hear him, Zoro-ya. If he has something to say, he can tell me himself."

" _No one threatens my hat!"_

"It's not that Luffy doesn't want to talk to you. It's just that it's lunchtime and – "

"This is ridiculous."

"I'm sorry, Torao. But he is the captain."

" _Damn right I am. I can do what I want! Tell him that!"_

"He tells me to tell you – "

"YOU CAN TELL HIM THAT I'LL COP HIM INTO TINY PIECES IF HE DOESN'T GET ON THE BLOODY PHONE THIS INSTANT!"

 _Shhhrrrrrr._

"You are so stingy, Torao!"

"Strawhat-ya – "

 _Click._

" … Did you just hang up on me?"

* * *

 _Bulu-Bulu-Bulu-Bulu-Bulu … Bulu-Bulu-Bulu-Bulu-Bulu … Bulu-Bulu-Bulu-Bulu-Bulu – Gatcha._

"Alright! Where is he?"

"Errr – "

"I've had enough of this shit, so get that rubber brain on the phone!"

"I – I'm sorry, Sir. This is Roy's Pizza Palace, Cerria Island. Roy, that's me. There are no rubber brains here."

" … "

"Sir?"

"Shit, wrong number."

"Well, some numbers have been redistributed these last few days and –"

"Bloody bastard!"

" … Are you talking to me?"

" _Sigh_ … Why, does it matter?"

"You bet!"

"So you want to pick a fight, is that it?"

"Yeah!"

" _Bepo! Set course to Cerria Island!"_

 _Click._

Penguin found his captain's personal snail phone thirty minutes later, cut into thin slices eerily similar to cold cut. The desk underneath shared the same fate.  
"Captain's gone mad, hasn't he?", he asked Bepo, who came into the room with a stack of charts underneath his arm. Failing to produce more than a whimper, the bear just nodded.

* * *

"You know", Jean Bart said with a grave expression and fumbled with his glass. "It's not that I don't like the Straw Hats. They're alright, I suppose, and that Monkey D. is a decent guy. Really. And if they want to make an alliance, than fine, that's between him and the captain. But right now, it's starting to scare me."

He sat at a table in the galley together with several other crew members. They had wanted spend the afternoon playing a game of cards with some bottles of rum, but they hadn't even finished the first round before peace and tranquillity were a thing of the past.

A couple of steps away, Trafalgar Law was trying to make a phone call on the only communal snail phone onboard the Polar Tang.

"Hello? Phone bank? Could you please connect me with the Thousand Sunny?"

"He's been at it for days, without any luck", Bepo muttered dejectedly. "And then to cap it all the connections fail all over the New World."

"Sometimes I wonder if our captain has been born under some sort of unlucky star", Penguin put his oar in the conversation. He received mutters of common assent.

In the background they could hear Trafalgar Law screaming into the phone.

"No, I don't want to make a call to the Ten Sun Islands! I want the Thousand Sunny pirate ship! Pirate ship – ! I'm not yelling!"

A deep sigh went round the table.

"Why does that take so long, lady?! It's on this side of the Red Line, isn't it?! I'd be faster swimming! – The line is dead?! Guess what will happen once I get my hands on you! – I'm drunk?! Hahaha, drunk! You just gave me a very good idea, lady!"

With a bang Law threw the receiver down on the hook. The snail made a noise like a wail of pain. He ignored it and strode through the room to the occupied table.

"What are you all starring at?", he snapped and glared around.

"Nothing", squeaked Penguin and quickly averted his gaze down to his glass. From the other side of the table he could make out a murmur of "Sorry".

"So", began Shachi carefully, "no luck?"

Law's expression made every answer unnecessary. He made a point to step on Shachi's toes as he left the room together with two of their bottles.

* * *

 _Bulu-Bulu-Bulu-Bulu-Bulu … Bulu-Bulu-Bulu-Bulu-Bulu … Bulu-Bulu-Bulu-Bulu-Bulu – Gatcha._

"Hello? My name is Monkey D. Luffy! I'm gonna be king of the pirates! If you hear this, I'm on an adventure and got no time talking to you! But if you still got something to say, say it now!

 _Peeeeep._

"You insuffn – _hic_ – insufferubl – insufferable OAF! – _hic_ – I ain't – _hic_ – pourin' my heart out to yer stupid voice mail!"

 _Click._

* * *

 _Bulu-Bulu-Bulu-Bulu-Bulu – Gatcha._

"Yes? Nico Robin?"

" … I feel like a broken record."

"Fufufufu … Hello Torao. I was wondering when I would get the chance to take your call."

"This is all just a game to you, isn't it?"

"Oh no, not at all."

"Don't try to fool me. You enjoy people suffering."

"You want to speak to Luffy."

"Tell me he is there, Nico-ya. Please."

"I feel sorry for you, but he's not here. He went exploring."

" … That's it. I give up. Somebody shoot me."

"Fufufu, now don't be like that. You're doing better than most."

"I don't think that I want to know what you mean by that."

"Just that you and Luffy are very similar. That's all."

"I beg to differ."

"Don't worry, I'll have mercy for you. Just tell me what you wanted to tell him. I'll pass on the message."

" … Thanks, that is very – eh – decent of you."

"But?"

" … But I think this is something I have to do by myself."

"I understand."

"Wish me luck."

 _Click._

* * *

 _Bulu-Bulu-Bulu-Bulu-Bulu … Bulu-Bulu-Bulu-Bulu-Bulu … Bulu-Bulu-Bulu-Bulu-Bulu – Gatcha._

"Hello? My name is Monkey D. Luffy! I'm gonna be king of the pirates!"

" … "

"Hellooooo?"

"Don't you dare hang up on me now."

"Torao?"

"Hn."

"Torao! Old chap!"

"I'm not your chap. Nor am I old."

"Shishishi! Sorry."

"Do you know that I've been trying to call you for days?"

"I know, I know. I was busy."

"Doing what exactly?"

"I had a fight."

"Of course. What else. Did you beat them up?"

"Sure!"

" … "

"People say you burned an island down."

"Yeah."

"Why?"

" … No reason."

"So what did ya wanna say?"

"Nothing."

"What! You're a liar!"

"Don't yell at me, Strawhat-ya."

"But you're a lair. Was that really all you wanted to say?"

" … Is there somebody in the room with you?"

"Yeeeeeaaaaah."

"Than that's all I wanted to say."

"Wait! Torao! Don't hang up! I'm joking, I'm joking!"

"Are you?"

"Promise. See, nobody there."

"You know that even if you show the room to the snail, I can't see it, don't you?"

"You can't?"

"No. I can't."

"Oh. So? Say it! The thing you wanted to say!"

"I – I … You know what, forget it."

"Aha! You're scared to tell!"

"What?! No, I'm not – "

"Shishishishi! ~ Torao is a chicken, chicken ~ "

"I'm not a chicken!"

" ~ Chicken, chicken ~ "

"I just wanted to thank you, okay?!"

"Huh? Thank me?"

" … "

"What for?"

"For … For Dressrosa. All that stuff with Doflamingo. For helping me. For _saving_ me. All my life there was just this one thing I had to do and without you I … That's just it, I don't know where I would be without you. So thank you. For everything."

" … "

" … Strawhat-ya? Are you still there?"

" … "

"Luffy?"

" … "

"Okay this is getting creepy now, I'm hanging – "

"Ohhhhh! That is so sweet!"

"Sweet? I'm not – "

"You are such a nice guy, Torao! I have to tell the others!"

"No! I'm warning you Strawhat-ya! If you breath a word of this, your crew or friends or brother or anyone else, I will find you and I will scalp you!"

"Shishishi!"

"Did you hear me?!"

"I get it. Don't worry, Torao. Your secret is save with me."

"I … uh."

"I won't tell no one."

"Okay."

"You're such a nice guy."

"I … thanks, I guess. Well then … I should probably hang up now, yeah … "

"And Torao?"

"Hm?"

"You're my friend, too!"

"I never said that – "

 _Click._

* * *

 _Bulu-Bulu-Bulu-Bulu-Bulu … Bulu-Bulu-Bulu-Bulu-Bulu … Bulu-Bulu-Bulu-Bulu-Bulu – Gatcha._

"Hello? My name is Monkey D. Luffy! I'm gonna be king of the pirates! If you hear this, I'm on an adventure and got no time talking to you! But if you still got something to say, say it now!

Oh! And if this is Torao, don't worry! I like you, too!"

 _Peeeeep._

"UNDO THAT! NOW!"

 _Bang._

* * *

 _End._

* * *

This story just happened – after a weekend of fruitless attempts to fix a microwave. In my opinion it reflects on the story …

I personally prefer calling. Too bad that my mobile is on vibrate most of the time and I have the superpower not to feel that. Texting, I hate texting, it takes me days to text people back. So I like calling … just not if it is my dentist, or the garage … Well.

But hey! Law and Luffy interaction! It's so much fun! And since it's mostly dialog, easy to write.

As for the story picture: A natural wild Den Den Mushi. I think it's about as useful to Law as his own.

I'm crazy writing this between two other projects, but – screw it.


End file.
